FanPost

From Slate: Roger Clemens Poetry Slam!

The Poetry of Roger Clemens
The Rocket's collected works.
By Hart Seely
Posted Friday, Feb. 15, 2008, at 3:37 PM ET
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On Wednesday, baseball great Roger Clemens stood before the U.S. Congress, seeking to defend his honor and his soul. History will decide whether Clemens told the truth in denying a former trainer's claim that he had used performance-enhancing drugs.

But one point is clear: In his testimony and depositions, the Rocket has hurled a poetic masterpiece, with a repertoire that ranges from free-form verse to haiku. The poems that follow are the pitcher's exact words, excerpted from transcripts of Wednesday's testimony (PDF) and the deposition (PDF) the pitcher gave to the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform earlier this month.

"Saving the House"

It was a sports court.
I enclosed that into a gym.
Best investment ever, by the way.
It's saved the house from the kids.

--Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

"Offensive Haiku"

I am offended.
I will be honest with you.
I am offended.

--Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

"Ghost Andy"

He looked at me,
Wringing his hands,
White as a ghost

And asked me
What are you going
To tell them?

And I told him
I'm going out there
To tell the truth.

--Feb. 13, 2008, hearing

"Stop Sign"

In Boston, I know I was on prednisone.
I remember that because actually
I came here to visit the White House
When the president was in,
And my head looked like a stop sign.

--Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

"Somebody's Tried To Break My Spirit in This Room"

Somebody's tried to break my spirit in this room.
They're not going to break my spirit.
I'm going to continue to go out
And do the things that I love to do,
And try and be honest and genuine
To every person I can be.
It's the way I was brought up.
It's what I know.

--Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

"Glute"

I have strained my glute
On a couple occasions.
I wish I could tell you
How many occasions.

--Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

"Me"

I have never smoked a cigarette.
I have never smoked dope.
I have never done cocaine.
I would not put anything--
Allow anybody to put anything--
In my body
That's going to be harmful to me.
That's who I am.

--Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

"Headaches"

Kids come to my house and work out.
I invite them to come work out.
The littler kids,
I try to get them to sign a waiver
In case a bat comes out of my hand, or a ball.
We've experienced that.
That's headaches.

--Feb. 5, 2008, deposition

Hart Seely is the author of Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington: Nursery Rhymes for the Political Barnyard.

Article URL: http://www.slate.com/id/2184571/

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