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Semyon, Syoma, Sasha: A Russian Lesson

Today's guide to Russian pronunciations and nicknames is brought to you by Slava Malamud of Sport-Express:

Quickly now, is anyone's head swimming yet with all the spoken versions of the Caps' Russian goalie's name? Have you found yourself suddenly irritated by an ESPN announcer's insistence on accenting the first syllable despite the fact that you yourself were perfectly happy with this pronunciation just a few short weeks ago? Anyone Wikipedia-ing that crazy "e-umlaut" letter already? I feel your pain, comrades. Well, not really, but I try.

I know, I know, there used to be a better, simpler time. A time when Russia was something huge and scary, far, far away. A time when its language could be easily rendered in movies by a series of hissing and growling sounds. A time when its citizens were exposed only in the form of cute TV characters who made empty promises to bury capitalism and break comically inept Italian-American boxers. You could call them whatever the hell you wanted back then: Colonel Danko, Major Revko, Private Gregor Samsa -- it was all good.

But now, alas, is a different time. What with five Russian players busy turning Washington into a new (if a rather befuddled and reluctant) Hockeytown, USA, and a man in the White House whose daughter is named Sasha, the time may be now to get this thing sorted out, don't you think? Well, I am here to help. Let's get to it.

And as our first order of business, we shall reiterate for the last and final time: Semyon Varlamov (sem-YON var-LA-mov). Repeat it, learn it and when you meet someone who mispronounces it, have their Caps fan membership revoked instantly.

Well, at least Varly's becoming a "Simeon" cannot be blamed on geographically-challenged Americans. It was actually the Russian passport officials' fault. They had issued him a passport where his name was improperly transliterated as Semen. This had caused a few happy moments among the Hershey media corps until Varly's agent asked the Caps to change it to Simeon. In Russia, however, Simeon is a very obsolete, very biblical name. Varlamov has already stated that he wants to go with Semyon (his actual name) next year.

This, of course, isn't the only thing he can be called. A Russian diminutive for Semyon is Syoma, and he will gladly answer to that. The problem is, he won't be the only Caps player to do so, as Syoma is also what Alexander Semin is called by his Russian teammates. In his case, it is derived from his last name, which actually means "son of Semyon." Sort of like Brent Johnson being called Johnny, you see.

And, of course, this would be a perfect time to mention that Semin's last name is actually Syomin. Yes, SYO-min, that is how it is pronounced. When you say it SEH-min, you actually get something close to what "semen" is in Russian. Exciting, isn't it? We will chalk this one up to yet another mishap by the Russian passport service.

You can sidestep the whole thing by calling Varlamov Senya (which is another, folksier, diminutive for Semyon and something his father actually calls him) and calling Semin Sasha. Sasha, however, will also get you a reply from Alex Ovechkin as it is simply a Russian nickname for Alexander.

Yes, there are two Sashas on the Caps roster -- What are you going to do? If you are still feeling frisky enough after absorbing all this you can also call them Shurik, which is a slangish, more familiar way to call an Alexander. As far as I know, Ovechkin at least will respond to it. He will also respond to Ovtsa, if only by thumping you over the head.

Ovtsa is Russian for "sheep" and the name Ovechkin derives from the word ovechka, which means "little lamb." (Oh no, have I just given Pens fans some info they could do without?) Alex is perfectly fine with being called Sheep as long is it is his teammates who are doing the calling. He has had this nickname throughout his hockey career. And "Sheep happens," I guess, is something that opposing goalies have meanwhile been telling themselves.

Would it be too much to add that it is actually FYO-doh-rov and kaz-LOAF and not FEH-doh-rov and KOSS-loff? It would? Well then, let's just agree that anyone who still spells "Federov" should be forcibly exiled to Pittsburgh in 24 hours' time.

Here is wishing you a very happy Victory Day (May 9, celebrating our kicking of Hitler's you-know-what), your very own Russian expert Slava "No, You Can't Call Me SLAVE-AH" Malamud. Until next time!