Way, way OT: How do Russians say "Huckleberry Finn"?

Certain American names have always been problematic for Russian speakers because of phonetic disparities between Russian and English. Short vowels and aspirated consonants match so haphazardly, in fact, that many Russians grow up calling Mark Twain’s boy-hero “Geckleberry Feen” – and are quite surprised by the blank looks and laughter this draws from Huck’s latter-day compatriots.

Such chuckling would be less off-putting if the chucklers themselves could render even the simplest two- and three-syllable Russian names – Ivan, Vladimir, Tolstoy – correctly. But no, Americans think nothing of mispronouncing other people’s names or, what the heck, not pronouncing them at all: last year a serious presidential candidate identified her presumed Russian counterpart as “Med-, Med-eva-- whatever!” and smiled winningly as the audience chortled.

It’s easy to imagine the effect of this blithe throwaway on many Russians. To be fair, they’ve gained some revenge since then by dubbing this former candidate – known widely in Moscow as Kheelery Kleen-tahn – America’s Secretary of Overload.

Enough Pronunciation Gotcha, let’s move on to brass tacks and practical advice. Both the context and substance of American names have changed significantly in recent years – and Russians should know (a) what and why; and (b) how to deal with it. Moscow, don’t forget, will soon be visited by America’s first “funny name” president – and that’s no laughing matter, Russian friends.

1. Hola, Jamaal! The rise of the non-Anglo-Saxons.

While America still boasts plenty of white folks named John, William and Robert / Smith, Jones and Johnson, their numbers are steadily decreasing as a percentage of the population. Expanding fastest in their stead are Hispanics, African-Americans and people self-identified as “mixed race.” This effectively means that the names from your old English textbooks – where Mr. Charles Brown and his Anglophile friends would dialogue tediously with Miss Mary Wilson and hers – are giving way to livelier stuff.

2. A diaper by any other name would smell as much.

According to just-released government statistics, newborn boys named Barack moved up a record 10,126 places in the latest annual name-frequency rankings. And beyond this predictable boom, consider some other data from America’s nurseries last year: appearing for the first time in the top 1,000 girls names were Isla, Mareli, Milagros, Dayami and Nylah; new among the boys group were Aaden, Chace, Marley, Kash and Kymani.

Anglo-Saxon staples abide in great numbers, of course – but the ethnic purview of America’s Emilys, Hillarys, Laurens and Brians has clearly expanded considerably. This week’s Sunday New York Times announced the weddings of Emily Lewandowski, Hillary Cuccia and Lauren Stein (who married Brian Rosenberg, naturally). Briefly put, Barack is only the beginning; new names and novel combinations are more than ever the American Way.

3. Win friends and influence people: get their names right.

Make a good faith effort to pronounce unfamiliar names as the bearers themselves do. During introductions, don’t be shy about asking Concepción, Jahari or Shaniqua, “Could you say that again (or spell that) for me?” Americans tolerate this kind of excusable ignorance well, usually taking such questions as a sign of interest and respect. It can’t hurt, of course, to begin with, “That’s a beautiful (interesting, unusual) name! Could you…”

4.  Take ’em to school – and good luck.

When American acquaintances mispronounce your name – even after you’ve just said it – feel free to do a bit of friendly coaching: “Actually, it’s ‘pop-OFF’,” or “I really prefer ‘ta-MA-ra’.” But don’t expect quick or lasting results. Remember, Americans love Maria Sharapova – and they’ve been calling her Sha-ra-PO-va for at least a decade.

5. Salad is a better metaphor than melting pot.

The names Kareem Shabazz and Guadalupe Del Rio are “as American” as John Smith. Kareem and Esperanza will assume you know this – and perhaps be a tad miffed to hear otherwise. Recall the scene from the award-winning film “The Deer Hunter,” where an army doctor looks at the hospital chart of a wounded American and dimly inquires, “Nikanor Chevotarevich… is that a Russian name?” The soldier’s response is immediate and forceful: “It’s an American name.”

When talking about the background and ethnicity of people’s names, avoid phrases like “very American” or “more American-sounding.” After all, nobody could be more American than the president of the United States – and his middle name is Hussein. 

OK, now go meet ‘n’ greet America’s “funny name” brigades. And if Mark Twain happens to come up, tell them you loved Tom Sawyer.