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OT: Titov’s Ka-chingular Bowl Spread Beaters (Dec. 18-31)

“The bowls are alive / with the sound of money…” Right, like I know anything about Miami of OH and, er, Middle Tennessee State. For all I know it could be Middle Earth State.

But I do know a funky spread when I see one, and there are 5 or 6 pretty funkadelic cases you can make some nice scratch on here, most likely -- and they won’t be hard to spot. The other 29 game spreads are pretty much dart-throwing – unless you do this for a living, like a real Mr. Vegas Guy – but it’s fun dart throwing, and good for the wrist. So here goes nuttin’:

December 18, 2010

New Mexico Bowl: BYU (-11 ½ ) vs. UTEP. Let’s start off with an easy one: the Utterly Marginal Bowl, with two 6-6 teams, only one of which can escape with a winning season – doesn’t that just make you wanna watch? BYU has a bowlier history (by far); take them and the 11.5 and we’re off and counting green.

Humanitarian Bowl: N. Illinois (-1 ½) vs. Fresno State. You look at this line and say Uh, what? NIU is a Crappy Conf runner-up, FSU is a good WAC team that owes sth to fans in Boise, btw, after getting waxed there. Gimme the Frezzies here, easy – even the Yahoo Users have doped this out.

New Orleans Bowl: Troy (-2) vs. Ohio. Futility battles tedium in this one, played before a fine audience of friends and relatives, no doubt. At least it’s in New Orleans, so they’ll have sth to do. I mean, think of the poor shlubs in Boise that day. What the hell was Second Prize? Anyway, for this pointless numb-fest I say take the Rubbers, who at least gave OK St a good game.

December 21, 2010

Beef O'Brady's Bowl: Louisville (-3) vs. Southern Miss. If I knew what on God’s green earth Beef O’Brady was, I’d know how to pick this game, which I don’t. OK, look, LV didn’t beat one good team this year; S. Miss. did—and they’re the dog. Arf-arf, sez I.

December 22, 2010

Maaco Bowl: Utah vs. Boise State (-17). Do I really need to rehearse the backstory here for you? Boise finally got shut up by Kaepernick & Co. (and their own kicker) and Utah played two of the most mystifyingly bad games in a row you’ll ever want to see from an undefeated Top 10 team. I think Boise’s still angrier, and by a long shot. Take ‘em.

December 23, 2010

Poinsettia Bowl: San Diego State (-4 ½ ) vs. Navy. This is a home game for the Tecs, and it’s against a team that lost to Duke. That’s right, Duke. Yeah, I know, Dago has already cost me money this year, and they’ve been champs at the close loss vs. quality opps. But I want em at 4 ½. I just do.

December 24, 2010

Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii (-10 ½) vs. Tulsa. The generous spread here (at least it’s down 2 this week) makes this hard to call. I really like HA, and I don’t doubt they’ll win this – but it may prove tough to do by 10 ½ , so I’m placing my chips on that result with a shaky hand. C’mon, Bows, make me lookunnecessarily weak-kneed.

December 26, 2010

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: Toledo (-1 ½ ) vs. FIU. Right, I’m on top of this one. Let’s see, if the dart lands inside the metal thing *below* the 20, it’s a triple score, right? I can honestly say I have never seen either of these two teams play and have no intention of breaking this winning streak. But I’ll take the warm weather team in air conditioning, thanks.

December 27, 2010

Independence Bowl: Air Force (-3) vs. Georgia Tech. These are option teams which can’t throw and wisely don’t – but they run maniacally, and if that’s your thing you’ll love this game, during which I’ll be enjoying a good book. Anyway, take AFA at 3 and may the Force be with you.

December 28, 2010

Champs Sports Bowl: N.C. State vs. West Virginia (-3). Two teams who’ve done well at unexpected junctures this year, winning 8 and 9 respectively in the end. You can’t not like the WVU defense, which I’ll say is at least 3 better than Wilson can throw up there (before he hits the MLB draft).

Insight Bowl: Iowa vs. Missouri (-1). If you’re waiting for me to say I don’t have any particular insight on this one, you win: I don’t. Missouri had another of its overrated years and IA finished on a nice 3-slide that turned a pretty good season mediocre. Hey, roll the dice. I’ll take Mizzou to block.

December 29, 2010

Texas Bowl: Illinois vs. Baylor (-1 ½ ). I dunno. Or care. Hey, its’ Big Dim vs. Big Twerp middle o’ the packers. Both these teams played the last month of the season like they were double parked – and I’m supposed to bet on one of ‘em? OK, IL’s losses were contested (and they won a game, too). So gimme them. And pass the darts.

Alamo Bowl: Arizona vs. Oklahoma State (-5 ½ ). Zona is not a good bet here, as they came out on a 4-streak heading south and don’t have an impressive bowl record, while OK St had a remarkable season – and man can they put up pts. I’d love to be surprised by a sudden Zona revival – Foles and Criner are capable of putting a lot of damage on anybody – but I don’t expect it and can’t bet it. Take State.

Military Bowl: Maryland (-7) vs. E. Carolina. ECU is a true Jekyll and Hide, with one of the most offensive O’s and one of the least defensive D’s on record. MD was better than expected, and will prolly do a 7’s worth here, if anybody in the District is interested. I confess I’m not. But hey, don’t let me down, Terps, Just because I’m not watching doesn’t mean I don’t need the money.

December 30, 2010

Pinstripe Bowl: Syracuse vs. Kansas State (pick ‘em). The interesting thing about this game is that it will take place in Yerkee Stadium, and the refs will wear pinstripe jerseys. Hey, I said interesting, not important: these two teams are not very good and probably deserve the foot of snow that may land on them. I guess I’ll take K-State, for reasons too arcane to pursue here. And I made up the pinstripe jerseys thing.

Music City Bowl: North Carolina (-2) vs. Tennessee. Another case of How Can These Two Teams Be Playing On Live Television In A Bowl Game? But there you are. It’s in Nashville, so I guess you take TN. Carolina had an unimpressive year – though at least they edged by Duke [!] sideways. You may doze off watching this one. Try it at the gym, on the treadmill.

Armed Forces Bowl: SMU (-8) vs. Army. Not to be confused with the Military Bowl, which is, like, a different shape of bowl altogether. Or something. Anyway, Army also beat Duke, which is a Good Thing, but they made up for it by losing to a crappy Rutgers team. SMU is not very good, but prolly 8 pts gooder here.

Holiday Bowl: Washington vs. Nebraska (-14). This is a replay, of course, of that disaster in Seattle, which would make anyone betting the Dogs as the dog here a certifiable head case. OK, pull out the straitjacket: I say Locker plays the game of his life – and his last in college – and U Dub beats this 14 spread. Go ahead, laugh. Yes, I’ve had too much to drink. You wanna step outside and say that?

December 31, 2010

Meineke Car Care Bowl: Clemson (-4 ½) vs. South Florida. Did You Know? The University of South Florida is not in, er, south Florida. Look at the map. I’ll wait. See? Anyway, it would take a moron to bet this game seriously – and a retarded moron to watch it – since there is no offense to speak of on either team. But I watched SF beat Miami (that’s the kind of moron I am) so gimme them here at 4.5.

Liberty Bowl: UCF vs. Georgia (-6 ½). Did You Know? The University of Central Florida IS in central Florida. So that’s a Good Thing. Also, it claims to be the nation’s 3rd largest university, which is kind of a scary thought. I mean, all those caps ‘n’ gowns ‘n’ Mickey Mouse ears for people majoring in Disney Studies there in Orlando. Anyway, their football team is probably better than Georgia’s, a middling entry in America’s Most Overrated Conference. So Mickey sez take UCF to beat that 6.5.

Sun Bowl: Miami (-3) vs. Notre Dame. Yikes, MORE not-very-good-teams haunting your television. Miamuh looked dazed and confused losing to USF (so long, coach) and ND’s wandering-around season couldn’t be redeemed by a good Utah performance or the SC gift. Do I have to bet on this? Aw, mom! OK, take the ‘Canes.

Chick-fil-A Bowl: Florida State vs. South Carolina.(-3). This is the local Conf Title Losers Bowl – a name which wouldn’t sound any stupider than the actual one – and the Gamecranks are playing in this bldg for the 2nd time in a row. The Noles are a good enough team, but I’m thinking it’s the ‘Cranks day to wash away the Auburn debacle and beat this 3 for Comrade T.

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