It turns out that the Orioles suck.  Like, a lot.  And, as one might expect, no one likes to watch sucky baseball.  Especially sucky baseball between two sucky teams in sucky weather, as evidenced by the picture below from last night's game (link).  

That, my friends, is not a lot of fans.  Definitely not the announced attendance of 9,299, and, arguably, not even more than the 1,500 fans the Charm City Rollers draw.  Read that again.  A roller derby team can outdraw our Major League Baseball team.  These are your 2010 Baltimore Orioles.

This whole thing got my roommate and me thinking, how can we get fans to the Yard?  What promotional events can the marketing department pull that would entice people to pay real money to waste away a perfectly nice evening watching this terrible team lose?  I think we came up with some pretty good ideas that would get some people to OPACY.  In fact, they could jack up ticket prices and I would still come for most of these.

1. Julio Lugo Pinata Night - Pretty self-explanatory.  The pinata should be filled with anything but base hits.

2. "Lou Montanez Can't Hit, So Let's Deal With It" Matinées - On Sundays, Lou starts in left, and every time his turn in the batting order comes up, one lucky fan will get picked to hit for him.  If the collection of fans beat Montanez's batting average that day, they all win something. Just make sure the prize isn't too big, because we will be giving away a lot of them.

3. Garrett Atkins Night - Atkins in a dunk tank on Eutaw Street for the entire game.  Everyone gets a pair of Atkins replica fake teeth.

4. "In With the ReimOLD" Bobblehead Night - Turn Reimold's bobblehead night into a homecoming of sorts.  Have him throw out the first pitch, deliver the lineup card, and let him be the first base coach for the night.  In the 7th inning stretch, he stands on the mound and fans can chuck their bobblehead at him.

5. Adam Jones Curveball Night - Give the first 10,000 fans one of those wiffleballs that you can curve really easily, and make it say "And Jones goes down swinging" every time you throw it.

6. DDDWTF Nights - Give fans signs that say "WTF?", so they can wave them whenever Dave has his WTF moment.  A lucky fan gets to pick an inning before the game, and if the biggest WTF moment comes in that inning, he gets to manage the O's for the next game.

7. Mike Gonzalez Meltdown Night - In the middle of the summer, give every fan a Gonzo figurine and a magnifying glass, so they have something to do other than watch the game.