Just a little something my friend (who is a Reds fan) came up with while we were talking...thought it was funny enough to share...
It has never been a question as to whether the New York Yankees enjoy throwing money around like confetti on New Year's Eve. The raised eyebrows come more from who they let snatch up wads of their green. With the shaky outlook on Social Security's future it would seem that the Yanks have chosen the charitable route, stuffing the pockets of old men who no longer provide value to the game of baseball. How wonderful! We wouldn't want these cane-leaners forced into retirement and a miserly lifestyle, limiting themselves to only three overseas homesteads just to make ends meet. However, such free bird mentality by the team's management is going to cause quite a bit of embarrassment when old man DL catches them with their pants down.
What do we have to look forward to this year? Bring out the walkers for another season of The Golden Boys - Jeter, Posada, and Rivera. With the volatile combination of mid-life crises and the rebirth of the 80's leggings trend, there is certain to be an arrest or two for harassment of a minor. More notable are the team's medical insurers plans to bail out on the Yankee's before their bank accounts need bailing out. I am going to laugh and laugh and LAUGH....and then after I'm done, laugh some more when Jeter gets hurt trying to prove he still merits the value of his bloated contract. I can hear the announcer now: "It's a sharply hit ground ball to the left side. Jeter's stretches for the ball and jumps, turns, throws……OH! And he's DOOOOWN!!! Derek Jeter is writhing on the ground! He's reaching for his back…..oh this is not what this team needs from their captain…."
Next to go will be A-Rod, though in an off the field incident. A frustrated Jeter will get into a 'lover's spat' with A-Rod that will split the clubhouse. It will culminate in Jeter intentionally throwing the ball at A-Rod's head, paralyzing him from the waist down.
The ticking time-bomb will finally go off among the pitching rotation and the bull pen. Shortly after a visit to Cinnabon, CC Sabathia will forget his 20 cc's of insulin and collapse on the mound in a diabetic coma. After pitching a complete game, Joba the Hutt will find himself restless and (who saw this coming?) hungry at midnight. While trying to rock himself up to a standing position off the couch his overexerted legs will give out with a sickening snap leaving the delivery boy on his front porch unsure what to do with the three meat lover's pizzas. Yankee's owners will try to apply the cause of his torn ACL and MCL retroactively to the game in order to spare the embarrassment. Failing to do so, the press will proceed to emasculate Joba after which the SNL vultures swoop in to pick over the remains. To seal the coffin on Yankee's pitching, Mariano Rivera will agree to a mid-season movie deal for 'The Godfather IV'. Promised a whopping $12 million for the leading role he will abandon the team, opting out of his contract.
The outfield won't even escape the barrage of bad karma. Trying to catch a fly ball for the final out against Boston, the overly competitive Swisher, Granderson, and Gardner all collide in center field sending them to the hospital with a broken collar bone, concussion, and broken leg respectively. Andruw Jones, being the next on the depth chart at each position, insists on playing the entire outfield himself because 'he's still got it, kid', a phrase not used since the late 80's when he first started playing ball.
To tie off the gangrenous limb of a team, Scott Brosius will show up mid-July and take out half the locker room with an Uzi. When interviewed on the courthouse steps the following month he blames the Yankees for the 'dump and run' treatment they gave him after the 2001 season. "It's not like they didn't have the money." Brosius whines. "They pay everyone else no matter how they play or how old they are. We just didn't get along so they let me go." When asked about the timing of his strike he retorted, "I'm not stupid! They knew this winter was the 10 year anniversary of their crime. They would have expected an attack then. I had to strike before they were ready."
As the weeks pass and the DL becomes as overcrowded as a Turkish prison I will be popping the champagne bottles along with all the other Orioles fans as we witness the fall of The Evil Empire. While Baltimore will likely not make a run for division champion this year, it will be sweet enough to stand a-top a KO'ed Yankee team. This season is going to be one for the books…No seriously. Someone should probably write a book about it because it will make the NY Times Best Seller list, much to the city's chagrin.