Pirates 5, Orioles 4: In the spirit of Bill Buckner

Dear Orioles,

I asked you very nicely not to suck today. I even said please and promised that you could have ice cream sundaes out of the batting helmets of the defeated if you won. Yet even with that use of the magic word and an attempt at positive reinforcement, you sucked today. You batted 2-11 with runners in scoring position, and you struck out five times against Kevin Correia, who strikes out four batters per nine innings. You had ten hits and you even had three doubles but that was only good for four runs, and you gave up five runs.

I know, I shouldn't be so harsh on Blake Davis, who was making his major league debut and gave up the crucial two-run error when a ground ball went right between his legs, scoring two instead of ending the inning. I'm sure I wouldn't do so great if I played in the major leagues. I'd be probably equivalent to Brandon Fahey, if I was very lucky. But it's painful watching this stuff after a while.

Well, sure, it was great to see multi-hit games from J.J. Hardy, Mark Reynolds, and Zach Britton (yes, really) all with two hits each, and three hits from Nick Markakis, who's on an inexorable march up from the suckiest 2011 Orioles hitter into the pack of several sucky, disappointing hitters, with his .670 OPS being merely bad rather than grotesquely putrid. So, with your 1-2 hitters collecting five hits, your 3-4-5 hitters went hitless. That's great. It's really great.

And it ruined what should have been a nice start from Britton, too, who ended up with five runs allowed (three earned) over six innings and probably could have gone longer if not for a curiously quick hook with only 84 pitches thrown. Britton got twelve ground balls against only one fly ball. But between cheap Jeterian grounders and Buckner-like fielding, the damage was done, and you went quietly into that good night as you've done so many times these past thirteen years.

You just lost two out of three to the Pirates, for goodness sakes. I hope you take the off day to think about what you've done, and I hope you come back and not suck on Friday when Cincinnati comes to town. Then again, if my hope was enough to get you to not suck, it would surely have happened by now. I am trapped in this hell, unable to find relief through my own agency. At least I always know I'm not suffering alone.

Thanks for winning the World Series when I was negative one month old and then providing me with a life of heartbreak. I really appreciate it.

Your fan,

Eat More Esskay

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