Baltimore Orioles and Peyton Manning Conspire to Ruin the Lives of Billions

DENVER, CO - Generations will hear the stories.

Tradition? Family? Ethics? These are just words now. There is no hope, no happiness, no smiles to be had.

The unspeakable has happened: After winning the 2012 Super Bowl, the Ravens were displaced away from their home field to start 2013. History has been irreversibly altered, Rosh Hashanah has been ruined forever, and the NFL is reeling.

An NFL tradition as old as time itself was scuffed when the Baltimore Orioles maliciously refused to reschedule their baseball game so that the Ravens could open their football game at home for 2013. Despite the requests of the NFL to observe Rosh Hashanah and reschedule the game, the Orioles spitefully held their ground.

With the opening game ceremonies, something that every man, woman, and child worldwide stops to watch with awe, there was even trouble with the weather. The lightning and thunder that briefly delayed the game awoke a deep and primal fear in some.

"We are obviously seeing signs now that, because of playing on this high holiday, the gods are angered," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, in a surprise press conference. "And I don't mean just the big, marquee gods. I'm pretty sure Zeus and other Greco-Roman has-been-gods are getting cocky. I literally have no idea if the world will be here tomorrow at this point."

But this was to be expected, even all the way back earlier this year. The warning signs were all there, going back to the earlier part of 2013.

Once the Baltimore Ravens became NFL Champions, longtime Orioles owner and supervillain Peter Angelos made it his personal goal to ruin their parade. When the NFL met Angelos at his lair, they were rebuffed with impunity.

"We met Mr Angelos to humbly request permission to reschedule the September 5th game so that our favorite team, the Ravens, could enjoy their home stadium to start the season," recalls Goodell, wiping away tears. "I had a cake made, and we considered bringing flowers, but he just took our cake and stomped on it while laughing."

The tradition of playing the Kickoff Game dates back eons, to 2002. Did Mr Angelos somehow single-handedly coordinate the ruining of this? Some fans struggle with the validity of the season now that the longtime honor has been tarnished.

"The hardest part is having to explain this to the children," said USA Today reader and Youtube Commenter Randal Evreemahn.

As the clock ran out on the infamous night, and the Broncos beat the Ravens 49 to 27 behind Peyton Manning's 7 TD passes, questions began to swirl internationally regarding the final score.

"With the whole OrioleGate scandal and how the team basically went out of their way to ruin the season for the Ravens, this just seems too convenient," said Huffington Post enthusiast Kelly Noying.

Signs seem to indicate that somehow moving the game out of Baltimore wasn't enough for Mr Angelos and the Orioles.

"We've basically wiped our hands of the old wrinkly Manning a long time ago, and now he shows up and throws that many TDs, on this of all nights. Coincidental? If I may be honest, I think that is a stretch," candidly states Goodell, who believes the chances are there for an under-the-table monetary deal between Angelos and Manning.

The Ravens may have no other options at this point than to forfeit their remaining games. As the Orioles seemed satisfied enough to callously win their own game last night, troubles of their own may be on the horizon.

"I want punishment, on a judicial level. I believe the precedent is there for a Congressional hearing, and I won't stop until we have it," said Goodell.

That might be what it takes to right this injustice.

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