I've had the great pleasure of listening to the Royals broadcasts in the last two nights. First of all, it's fun to listen to a team's commentators talk about their boys not winning against the Birds since 2006.

But my favorite thing about the Royals broadcasts are the commentators themselves, play-by-play man Ryan Lefebvre (right, son of Jim Lefebvre) and color commentator Frank White (left), Royals Hall of Famer.

The two of them are gold. Not only are they terribly unfamiliar with the Orioles and bat-dung crazy, but they're also seriously easy to listen to and seem like a couple of nice damned guys.

A quality start to Frank White is a complete game. Denny Leonard threw twenty complete games. Now that's quality. White also claimed to have been following Brian Roberts since his first day in the Major Leagues, thinking of him like he does Marcus Giles (?), a small stature guy with pop in his bat. White would be the world's only person who saw pop in the bat of Brian Roberts prior to 2005.

Lefebvre spent an entire, long half-inning talking to some dude from American Idol who's from the area. I'm not even being elitist. He seemed like a nice kid, genuinely excited to be there (White said he used to work at the park when he was a child), and he threw out a nice first pitch. Lefebvre and this dude just went on and on and on while a game was happening. Tremendous, totally uninteresting stuff. Lefebvre then decided that this American Idol dude was a good human being. Just had a feeling. Freddie Bynum hits a double, Melvin Mora hits a two-run homer, they talk about this dude going to the mall.

But the best part of that segment was Lefebvre recalling another reality TV star at the park who threw out a terrible first pitch and was booed off the field. "It was, uh...I don't remember his name. Anyway..." Must've made that kid feel good about his future.

Lefebvre later wanted to invent a new statistic, the Quality At-Bat. After tinkering with it out loud, he settled on this: the hitter is down in the count at some point, he sees eight pitches or more, and he hits it hard somewhere. Doesn't matter if he gets a hit. Also, walks are out of the question for the Quality At-Bat. Fantastic.

Jose Guillen appeared to have hurt himself a little bit running to first base later in the game, and Frank White said he had a "nice grimace" on in the dugout. Lefebvre took issue with the idea of a "nice grimace." This followed (I don't have exact quotes here, but this is very close):

Lefebvre: "Nice grimace. That's like jumbo shrimp. Those two don't go together! Or, uh, slight groin injury."

White: "Or tweaked hamstring."

Moments later, White recalled a young Jay Payton, as he and Lefebvre talked about Payton coming out of Georgia Tech at the same time as Nomar Garciaparra and Jason Varitek, and some expected him to be the prize of the bunch.

"Jay Payton had great speed when he came out (of Georgia Tech). Playing center field for the Red Sox."

Payton, of course, did play for the Red Sox, at age 32, in his eighth Major League season. In total, Payton (who had really lost his speed to injuries well before that) played 16 games in center field for the Red Sox. He was a member of the 2000 Mets team that went to the World Series, and had played for three other teams (Mets, Rockies, Padres) by the time he got to Boston.

Just all-around tremendous stuff. I love you, Ryan and Frank. Never change. Continue to think that Melvin Mora is a great player and that Daniel Cabrera throws 98-99 with his fastball. It's OK to be stuck in 2004.

A few quick talking points about the game:

• Trachsel didn't kill us.
• The bullpen nearly did through every pitcher brought in.
• Freddie Bynum is quickly winning me over.
• Nick Markakis is finding his stroke again.
• Brian Roberts is not.
• Aubrey Huff! DONG.
• Melvin Mora! DONG.
• Even Kevbo had a couple hits.
• The Royals are still terrible.

Let's let the face of Kevin Millar tell the story. The days of the Orioles playing .500 ball in 2008 have come and gone, and more likely than not, this is just the beginning.

I'd like to expand on something I said yesterday, too, because discussing the weaknesses is just not something I'm up for this morning.

Aubrey Huff has been hitting, and I say hats off to him. Huff's line is now .277/.353/.471, which makes him the team's second-best hitter, behind Markakis, who is still slumping badly. Diamond Dave even went back to Nick in the three-hole and Mora at No. 2 yesterday, and it made no difference. Markakis still went 0-for-3, but he did take another walk, his 24th of the year.

I have my doubts that this is the case, but has the idea of Markakis pressing to get hits been brought up yet? He was taking a ton of walks early on, but we had Gary Thorne and Jim Palmer and Jim Hunter and Buck Martinez yammering on about how you don't want your three-hitter taking walks -- actually, to be fair, Palmer seemed to understand why he was taking the walks, and summed it up with, "And good for him."

Look, obviously it'd be great if Markakis got to HIT more. But did anyone not see this coming? Putting Huff behind him instead of Millar (.213/.297/.336) is a good start. And more likely than not it's just a slump. Every player has them. But if someone decided to tell Nick he needs to be more aggressive, then that is simply typical Baltimore Orioles, and would be horribly distressing.

But let's talk about the A's. First of all, I want to apologize for dissing Emil Brown and his stupid RBI totals the other day, because he's making me pay for it. Some of you Papa Shango lunatics that believe in voodoo magic via the power of web logs or TV commentators saying "no-hitter" think it's my fault, but credit where it's due, Brown is making the most of an opportunity this season. That said, dude's OPS is still .725, and the Oakland commentators going bananas about "magic stick" and "RBI machine" have killed me for two days. They're actually an enjoyable commentary team in a lot of ways, though. They aren't overbearing, but aren't dull either.

He's still Emil Brown, and that'll catch up with the A's at some point this year.

We've got one more at Oakland, then head out to Kansas City for four games, then back home against the Red Sox. Win or lose, gotta play the games.

Before we close this out, let's give props again to the pitching. Burres did his job, and then Matt Albers finished it out with another strong performance. How they can let Albers sit in the bullpen while Steve Trachsel rots away in the rotation is beyond me. Take a cue from the Tigers, Andy.

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I've said this before, and I'll say it again, I'm sure. It's one thing to come into this season with low expectations, and knowing the team is going to compete for Worst Team in Baseball, and knowing how rocky and downright bad it's going to be, but it's another thing to actually sit and watch it happen.

The O's came out for 2008 with another surprisingly fast start, ending April in contention. We're a week into May, 16-16, and now we're in fourth place. And brothers and sisters, it's only going to get worse.

We're a half-game up on Toronto, and the Jays are riding a five-game win streak. It's only a matter of time before we get settled in the cellar.

I'm not being negative, I'm being realistic. Think about some of the guys starting for this team. Luis Hernandez and his .542 OPS, weak arm, and frequent boneheaded baserunning mistakes. Ramon Hernandez and his .581 OPS, detrimental alleged defense behind the plate, and frequent boneheaded baserunning mistakes. Luke Scott (.778 and nosediving) and Jay Payton (.642 and steady) are in a left field platoon.

Our starting first baseman is OPSing .672. Nick Markakis is in a massive slump right now. Our number three hitter is Melvin Mora -- .729 OPS.

This offense is offensive.

And it kind of makes you feel bad for a starting pitching crew that is performing a lot better than most would have expected. Jeremy Guthrie (4.06/1.24) is doing his thing again. Daniel Cabrera (4.06/1.35) seems to have found a balance between power pitching and trusting his stuff enough to let people try to hit it. Brian Burres (2.87/1.28) has been terrific. Garrett Olson (2.08/1.08) has been great in two starts since being called up. Steve Trachsel is a waste of time, so let's not even bother talking about him right now.

The bullpen has been a little inconsistent, but they've held their own for the most part. There's not much more you could ask of this pitching staff than what they've given us, to be totally fair.

And then there's the boneheaded baserunning and fielding and other assorted screwery. It's hard to watch a team make so many fundamental little mistakes that wind up costing them games. The A's had no business winning last night. They shouldn't have scored a run.

But then the Orioles shouldn't be making two outs on every hit-and-run they attempt and gloriously fail to execute. The Orioles shouldn't run into so many outs. But Dave has them running, despite their constant presentation of evidence that they don't know how to run the bases. Roberts is a fantastic baserunner. Markakis is a really good, savvy baserunner, last night's boner notwithstanding. But guys like Luis and Adam Jones, while they have speed, aren't good baserunners. It's one of the few times I'll go out of my way to praise Derek Jeter, but that guy is a magnificent baserunner. It's not just speed, and we all know that. Markakis isn't terribly fast, but, like Jeter, he has good instincts and rarely screws himself over.

And it's not just on the bases. It's in the field, too. Melvin Mora, God bless him, makes more idiotic mistakes than anyone I can think of. He also makes a lot of highlight reel plays. His tendency to look to get a glory out and wind up getting nobody out is a little high. Luis Hernandez? I can't really blame him. He's not really a Major League shortstop. He does not have the arm for the position.

I'm not mad about them being bad, and I'm not upset about it, and it doesn't depress me or anything. But it's hard to watch a team so bad on so many levels. They try hard, there's a lot of moxy, and there's plenty of grit. They've got some gamers. That's super.

They stink, though. We all knew they would.

(And Aubrey Huff has been fine.)

Garrett Olson pitched a quality start in his return to Baltimore, and the O's got rid of Rays starter Jason Hammel in short order to pound out a 7-4 win at home and stay tied with the Red Sox for first place in the AL East.

I watched the game but didn't talk, and here were my impressions of Olson last night, in numbered form!

1. Five walks in six and two thirds is still just not good. At all.
2. I won't, however, go so far as to say he was "the same guy" as last year. He dealt better with falling behind and even losing batters, and those that pointed out the small strike zone last night (probably a more correct strike zone than most pitchers are used to anymore) are correct. He never lost his head and threw fat pitches just to get them over. He trusted that his stuff and his defense would bail him out. It's a dangerous way to live if you're going to walk that many, but it's the right mindset, I'd say.
3. I was glad to see him wearing No. 18 instead of 57. Last year, Alberto Castillo had 18, and 18 has been worn by the likes of Pat Kelly, Javy Lopez, Jeff Conine, Bob Milacki, Damon Buford, and, of course, Larry Sheets.
4. I'd rather see Olson struggle and learn than watch Steve Trachsel simply struggle.

Guillermo Quiroz hit a two-run homer to break a 0-0 tie in the sixth inning, and Brian Burres had a magnificent start, leading the O's to a 5-1 win in the first game of today's double-header in Chicago.

Burres went eight shutout innings, striking out four and allowing three hits. He didn't walk anybody, which is the real stunner.

Luke Scott was 0-1 in a pinch-hit appearance, which extends his slump. If you haven't noticed, he's down to a .310 average and hasn't seen first base since April 19. Jay Payton got the start against John Danks, who took a perfect game into the sixth inning before Guillermo bombed him, and went 1-for-3. So if you can say anything about Payton, it's that he's doing his best when called upon.

The Birds sealed the deal in the top of the ninth against Octavio Dotel, with Eider Torres (pinch-running for Huff) scoring on a Paul Konerko error, and Brian Roberts doubling Quiroz and Adam Jones home to make it 5-0.

Matt Albers came in for the ninth and got his cage rattled a little bit. George Sherrill replaced him with the bases loaded and two out, and promptly drilled Carlos Quentin, but then got Joe Crede, so big whoop.

The O's are 14-9, y'all.

Game 2 starts at 7:05, and I'll get a new game thread up for that one. I leave you with a question: Why does Toby Hall have a landing strip on his face?

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I came into tonight's game late, and it was 5-0 Mariners. First thing I saw was Jay Payton go deep. The Orioles went on to win 8-7, after I immediately proclaimed that we would win tonight. Just had a feelin', ya know? The first thing I see is a Jay Payton home run. We're winning this thing.

I missed another fabulous start from Adam Loewen, who went two and two-thirds (60 pitches, 33 strikes) with three walks, a strikeout, four hits, five earned runs, and a homer allowed to Adrian Beltre. His ERA is now 7.85. Does anyone really think this dude deserves a rotation spot instead of Matt Albers? Really? I know the team is invested in Loewen, but at what point do you have to STOP THE INSANITY?

The guy can't pitch. Trembley is on record as saying we're foolishly carrying thirteen pitchers (and thus, a bench consisting of Brandon Fahey, Guillermo Quiroz and Jay Payton) because Loewen can't go deep into games.

He's not getting any better about it! You can stick him in the bullpen (since optioning him isn't really an, um, option), but that'll spell disaster, most likely. A couple of years ago, one of the Baseball Prospectus guys said that Loewen might be better off there. The way he simply can't keep the ball over the plate, I have my doubts. Sure he could pump his fastball, but he can't control that thing any better than the rest of his junk.

So what do you do with him? He's taking up a valuable spot on the 25-man roster.

After he was gone, it went a lot better. Matt Albers and Jamie Walker gave up an earned run each (both on Ichiro's two-run bomb off of Walker, but we've already discussed the stupidity of matching Ichiro by the book, as he kills lefties and had healthy numbers against Walker career), but RAN-DOOOOOR! pitched two scoreless right after Loewen, Bradford went one and a third, and Sherrill shut the door after some drunks ran onto the field. I had the dreadful Mariners TV broadcast, but apparently Gary Thorne said they were "not taking it lightly" on the knuckleheads (that one credit to the Seattle booth) that got out there.

That gives Shutdown eight saves on the year, five against the Mariners. And that skirt-wearing weiner Erik Bedard is still too afeared of the mighty, mighty O's. As well he should be!

You know who I hate? Yuniesky Betancourt. 3-for-4. That guy kills us. Get him out of here.

Markakis was 2-for-3 with two walks, Millar managed a sac fly, Huff was 1-for-5 with an RBI, Roberts homered in the eighth to put us up for good, and Adam Jones (Player of the Year, 2010 Seattle Mariners) was 3-for-4 with a two-run, go-ahead double in the seventh.

Much fun all around! Now we have a bunch of games in Chicago against the White Sox, so that wraps up our season series against them, too. Let's do it to it!

Another series won. Can't argue with that.

The New York Yankees just aren't very good.

I know this happens every April, the Yankees start slow and get warm with the weather, but I like to take the time to gloat while I can. Plus, it's getting to be a routine with the O's playing New York fairly tough, after years of rolling over for them like trained cocker spaniels.

With the O's up 4-0 in the sixth, Diamond Dave decided to go to the 'pen and get Burres out of there. I thought this was a wise, wise decision. Burres is a 5-6 inning starting pitcher. With five hits and four walks against him, we were already kind of testing fate with Brian. Plus Morgan Ensberg was coming up, and Morg is a lefty basher. In comes Jim Johnson, who finishes the final three and a third with one hit allowed and nothing more, and we go home winners on a 6-0 score.

My favorite part of the game watching the YES broadcast was one of the following:

1. Millar comes up in the third, Ken Singleton offers to give us the Ricoh scouting report on Kevbo. He gets one part of it, then the pitch from Ian Kennedy is coming. "We'll get to it after this pitch," says Singleton. Whack! Dong Millar. Get to it next time, maybe.
2. Promotional spots for tomorrow's game: "The Melk Man looks to deliver against Aubrey Huff (?) and the high-flying Orioles!" This is either a rib by someone at YES or a clear misunderstanding of Aubrey Huff's importance to the Birds. Maybe the YES staff hasn't heard of Nick Markakis. After all, he's not in Boston or New York, and he's not Ichiro. To his credit, Huff delivered a two-RBI double to push our lead to six. But really? Aubrey Huff? Not Markakis? Not Yankee Killer Brian Roberts? Not arch nemesis Kevin Millar?
3. Brandon Fahey got two hits. I will maintain to my dying day that he has no business in the majors, but it's not like I don't root for the dude. One of his hits was an RBI double past Posada (who started at first base since Giambi's hitting about a buck.)

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OK, so it wasn't a homer. But Adam Jones' game-winning single off of Boob Logan in the bottom of the 10th inning will suffice. The O's are back in Birdland, if only for now.

Chicago went up 2-0, and the O's tied it at two in the bottom of the sixth. Leading off the seventh against Jeremy Guthrie, Carlos Quentin homered. Then Joe Crede homered. Goodnight, Guts, 4-2 Sox.

Quentin homered again in the eighth, making it 5-2 Chicago, but the Birds got one back in the bottom of the inning, then wailed on Big Fat Bobby Jenks in the ninth to tie it up.

Dave Trembley was faced with a dilemma. Payton had pinch-hit for Luis Luis, so Fahey was in. Then he decided to send Ramon up for Fahey in the ninth, which meant we were out of reserves and we had no shortstop.

Here's what I would've done: Mora at SS, Millar at 3B, Ramon at 1B.

Here's what Dave did: Huff at 3B (sacrificing the DH), Mora at SS.

The first way would've been more fun, but oh well. Despite Huff's best efforts to single-handedly lose this game (0-for-5 with three strikeouts), young Adam Jones singled home Kevin Millar in the tenth for the win. Booya! Game over.

George Sherrill got the win, and we're now 9-7.

HEY, YANKEES!

YOOOOOOOOU!

Once a year or so, it's good to update these. Players come and players go, much like the asinine nicknames that generally spring out of the game threads. So here's a quick primer for anyone who's new and might not know what in God's name we're talking about during certain points of a game.

Albers, Matt

• Fat Albers

This is not in any way intended to be mean. Honest. I know the dude's a little pudgy, maybe still carrying some baby fat, or maybe he's just like most of the rest of us and likes to reward himself for a fine day's work of breathing air and being a cool dude by wolfing down a Baconator or six. I'm not here to judge Matt Albers. It's just something that happened in my head and then I put it on a blog. Hey, hey, hey!

You gotta do it right though. Listen for yourself, if you're unfamiliar. It starts loud, so be prepared. That site is long faded as far as being funny goes, but whatever. RAN-DOOOOOR!

Bradford, Chad

• ChadBrad
• Chadwick
• Chadstache

Ain't found a way to kill me yet

Eyes burn with stingin' sweat

Seems every path leads me to nowhere

Wife and kids, household pet

Army green was no safe bet

The bullets scream to me from somewhere

Yeah, they come to snuff The Rooster

Yeah, here come The Rooster

You know he ain't gonna die

Walkin' tall, machine gun man

They spit on me in my homeland

Mora, Melvin 

• MelMo
• Melly Mel
• Melvin Moron
• Playoff Hero Melvin Mora

Did Babe Ruth ever slap at someone's glove while they tried to tag him? Did Mickey Mantle? Did Hank Aaron? Did Cal Ripken? Did Dane Iorg? Did Kiko Garcia? Seriously. He's a player to admire, but a total weiner.

That's why I prefer "Brian Bob."

Sarfate, Dennis

• Dennis the Menace

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We're 7-5. It's true. But let's really take a look at this 7-5 record of ours, and see if this is a team legitimately outperforming expectations, or a team just sort of, you know, 7-5 because that's just sort of how it is.

Coming into today's loss to the Rays, the O's were hitting .253/.331/.423 as a team. Who's performing?

Luke Scott is performing. Brian Roberts is performing. Nick Markakis is performing, even though it took him 12 games to get his first homer. Nick's walking like crazy because teams are willing to pitch around him to get to Millar in many cases.

And then there's Aubrey Huff, who has a couple of big games and has been abysmal otherwise. For those not really keeping an eye on it, "Mr. Clutch" is now hitting .244.

After those two, the hitting falls off a cliff. Luis Hernandez is "surprising" people, but really take a look at those numbers -- he's still sporting a sub-.650 OPS. Brandon Fahey is 1-for-11 on the season, and we all know he can't hit. So you're looking at a two-headed monster at shortstop that simply cannot hit enough to help. Alex Cintron is no prize, but he'd be markedly better than either of them.

Mora has hit a couple of homers, but overall he stinks, too. Millar has looked terrible. Ramon Hernandez is struggling mightily.

It's way too early to have anything at all to really say about the pitching, past the fact that this rotation is going to just kill us. It's one thing to understand that they're bad; it's another to watch it happen. Loewen and Cabrera and Burres are going to be extremely frustrating to watch game-to-game. The bullpen, a strong point early, is showing serious chinks in the armor. Sound familiar? Same scenario as last season, featuring "Lights Out" John Parrish.

We're 2-3 against Tampa Bay, 1-2 against Texas, and 4-0 against Seattle, whose bullpen imploded on them and allowed that sweep. Is this team really playing above expectations?

I have my doubts. And that's not me trying to be negative, it's just what I'm thinking about at the moment.

I am proud to say that Brian Roberts has more hops than Akinori Iwamura.