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The Orioles are keeping Jose Contreras relevant.

Like, come on, you guys. Seriously.

But I'll let Sox fans worry about the 71-year old Contreras. I'm not all that concerned with him.

What does concern me is the turd brigade that the Orioles are running out there at shortstop. Not a single one of these guys is even good enough to be a major league utility player. In the last three games, Luis Hernandez, Eider Torres and Brandon Fahey have all been given starts.

None of them are really shortstops to begin with. Hernandez and Fahey do not have the arm for it. It's been very apparent. Fahey makes rainbow throws a lot of the time, and Hernandez's just have no zip and often come in really low. If Kevin Millar wasn't actually a pretty damn good first baseman, we'd have seen a lot more errors on throws from Hernandez. Having your arm compared to David Eckstein's is no praise.

I'm not telling anyone anything they don't already know, and I'm aware of that. But this is a serious issue. Even on a rebuilding club, even when you're talking stopgaps, these guys are completely unqualified for major league jobs. I'm sure they're all super dudes and work their asses off and are doing the best they can. But that's part of the problem. They aren't any good.

And please don't ask me or anyone else to wait on judging Eider Torres. He's 25 and wasn't even a footnote anywhere in this year's Baseball Prospectus. His career minor league line is .280/.325/.350. He's not a major league player. We said the same thing about Hernandez, and everyone said, "Oh but wait, oh but wait." Are you done waiting? He's terrible. When a guy hits as weakly as Hernandez or Torres (who is a better hitter than Hernandez, to be fair) in the minor leagues, they cannot contribute to a major league team in any real way.

You get 25 roster spots on a club. Three of them are being wasted on Hernandez, Fahey and Torres. It's bad math.

If you're going to ask me if I think Alex Cintron is better than these guys, then I'll answer: Yes. He's not any good, and certainly isn't a viable starting shortstop, but yes, he's a lot better than these guys. He IS a stopgap player, and not a good one. A lot of this is why I thought we should try to sign Adam Everett, who is a legit Gold Glove shortstop even though he can't hit. If we're going to have a guy who can't hit, let's get a guy who can pick it. That's been done before.

Of course, Everett's on the DL right now, but I still believe he would've been an effective one-year signing. Then you see where you're at after 2008, and maybe you give him another year, or whatever.

But let's move past that, too. The shortstop situation is a black hole of suck, and that's not going to change any time soon.

What killed us today, really, was LET'S GET GREG AQUINO OFF OF THIS TEAM FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. HE'S HORRIBLE. HIS ERA IS 14.21. I'D RATHER SEE FAHEY COME IN TO PITCH. HE'S JIM BROWER, THE DOMINICAN VERSION.

Also, the 5-through-9 hitters went 0-for-19 with one walk. You can't win like that.

We remain in first place. Thanks, Rays.

Here's a very scientific graph from user Y Not:

I believe that explains the game pretty well.

Adam Loewen gave up a hit to Swisher, walked Orlando Cabrera, and then Thome hit a three-run jack to start the game, and that was all the White Sox needed, since we predictably made Jose Contreras look like Roy Halladay.

Loewen did OK after the first three batters -- well, OK for Loewen. He walked five and struck out three, and threw 109 pitches in six innings, but hey. Six innings! A Christmas miracle! He still stunk, fundamentally.

Jim Johnson would be preferable to Greg Aquino, if you ask me.

 via d.yimg.com 

NO.

Not a good day, tater. What a total debacle.

Trachsel: 2 1/3 IP, 5 H, 5 ER, 3 BB, 1 K
Aquino: 3 IP, 5 H, 4 ER, 3 BB, 1 K
Bierd: 2 2/3 IP, 2 H, 1 K
Sarfate: 1 IP, 4 H, 2 ER, 1 K

Sarfate's ERA is now juuuust under eight, at 7.94.

Luuuuuke and Markickass had two hits apiece. Markakis and Melvin Mora had solo homers.

The other run came from Adam Jones, who crushed his first Oriole home run, right down the left field line and barely fair. But man, he smoked it off of Jesse Carlson. First of many to come. It was his mom's birthday, his t-shirt night at the park (15,000 attendance! Great success!), and Jackie Robinson Day for MLB, with Jones wearing No. 42 for the O's.

Other than that, just horrible.

"Above anything else, I hate to lose."

-- Jackie Robinson, 1919-1972

Once a year or so, it's good to update these. Players come and players go, much like the asinine nicknames that generally spring out of the game threads. So here's a quick primer for anyone who's new and might not know what in God's name we're talking about during certain points of a game.

Albers, Matt

• Fat Albers

This is not in any way intended to be mean. Honest. I know the dude's a little pudgy, maybe still carrying some baby fat, or maybe he's just like most of the rest of us and likes to reward himself for a fine day's work of breathing air and being a cool dude by wolfing down a Baconator or six. I'm not here to judge Matt Albers. It's just something that happened in my head and then I put it on a blog. Hey, hey, hey!

You gotta do it right though. Listen for yourself, if you're unfamiliar. It starts loud, so be prepared. That site is long faded as far as being funny goes, but whatever. RAN-DOOOOOR!

Bradford, Chad

• ChadBrad
• Chadwick
• Chadstache

Ain't found a way to kill me yet

Eyes burn with stingin' sweat

Seems every path leads me to nowhere

Wife and kids, household pet

Army green was no safe bet

The bullets scream to me from somewhere

Yeah, they come to snuff The Rooster

Yeah, here come The Rooster

You know he ain't gonna die

Walkin' tall, machine gun man

They spit on me in my homeland

Mora, Melvin 

• MelMo
• Melly Mel
• Melvin Moron
• Playoff Hero Melvin Mora

Did Babe Ruth ever slap at someone's glove while they tried to tag him? Did Mickey Mantle? Did Hank Aaron? Did Cal Ripken? Did Dane Iorg? Did Kiko Garcia? Seriously. He's a player to admire, but a total weiner.

That's why I prefer "Brian Bob."

Sarfate, Dennis

• Dennis the Menace

I left at 5-5. What the hell happened!

Oh. The bullpen shat out. Because the starters can't go deep and Trembley's bullpen management is, shall we say, risque.

James/Jim Johnson is up and Scott Moore goes down. I get it, I guess. Fine. A thirteenth pitcher seems stupid for a spot start, but hey. Hey! Wait! BRANDON FAHEY is still on the team? Mother of God.

This is probably Birdland, guys. I still like this team. They have balls.

There went Baltimo'. Go, go, Godzilla!

We are now on the schneid. Minor league recap in the morning. Too many Old Styles and karaoke, and I need to sleep.

Glad blood-spittin', arm-flailin' Al Reyes could get out of the clink in time to help the Rays.

So I get bored sometimes, which leads me to think of music, the Orioles, and the combination of the two.

Since we've got a few hours until the double header at Texas, part of which I'll have to miss, I decided to kill some time by coming up with theme songs for all of the O's in their current states.

DISCLAIMER: Not all of these songs are safe for work or for your kids' ears. Play with discretion.

The team gets four songs on this playlist: "Orioles Magic," of course; Saliva's "Click Click Boom" because that is, somewhat sadly, what they come out onto the field with these days; "Thank God I'm a Country Boy," of course; and "Right Back to Where We Started From" by Maxine Nightingale. In addition to having some parallels to Major League, the team is also sort of Slap Shot-y, which is a natural since Major League is just a baseball version of Slap Shot in many ways. Whenever I think of improbable, goofy winning streaks for bad teams, I think of Maxine Nightingale and the Charlestown Chiefs bus.

Luis Hernandez kicks off the player set with the timeless "Theme From Greatest American Hero (Believe it or Not)" by the beloved Joey Scarbury. Believe it or not, he's starting at short. I never thought he would ever be-he-he. (It should've been somebody else.)

Up next is Luke Scott's at-bat music, "I Wanna Be Your Dog" by The Stooges. What Luke says goes right now. The man is slugging .800 and getting a hit every other at-bat.

We dip into the somewhat melancholy for Brian Roberts. The title of this Dylan track says it all: "You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go." Odds are, Brian's still going to get dealt this season. This is one of those guys who is definably our player. Remember when he was a slap-hitting little guy? Now he drives the ball with authority to the gaps, steals bags, has become one of the team's leaders, and man, THAT'S OUR BOY. This ain't free agent Tejada or too-frequently-hurt Bedard. This is Brian Roberts. OUR player.

Brenda Lee's "I'm Sorry" could only represent one man: Aubrey Huff. God bless the guy, he's trying really hard to do and say all the right things, including pounding the crap out of the ball. He has won a couple of games for us already, and went 4-for-4 the other night in Texas. He made a mistake. He's sorry. He's playing his ass off. He's part of the team. He's sorry. So sorry. Please accept. His apology.

Ain't no joke, whenever I think of Bocephus' "A Country Boy Can Survive," the first thing that pops into my mind is Jamie Walker. His entire career is proof that a country boy can survive, really. He throws slop, gets people out, and does his damn job, damn it. Jamie Walker rules just as hard as Hank, Jr. I think he might take that as a fine compliment, and I mean it as such.

Razor Ramon gets "I Feel Good" by James Brown. The only nice thing we've heard about Hernandez lately is he's in good shape. He's certainly not hitting. Maybe, like the song, Ramon will start kicking ass quickly.

Bruuuuuuuce! Melvin Mora's "Glory Days" may be behind him, but it's not all bad. He can still play a little bit, still can have a good time, still can remember hitting .340 or the wink of a young girl's eye.

Daniel Cabrera gets two songs. Good Daniel Cabrera gets the classic Maurice Williams & The Zodiacs hit "Stay," which is a song I frequently sing when I get bad drunk, because I remember being a kid, reading a Lewis Grizzard book, and he said he did that. It's just something that pops in my head. And yes, I was reading Lewis Grizzard books when I was a kid. I was a weird kid.

Bad Daniel Cabrera gets Ray Charles' "Hit the Road, Jack." Because seriously.

In the late 1980s, Public Enemy was awesome and I bet Jay Payton was a hell of a high school ballplayer. In the 1990s and beyond, Public Enemy had moments of greatness among their overall mediocrity and inconsistency, and that's pretty much Jay Payton as a pro player at his peak. Last year, Public Enemy released another album, and it had only one great song -- actually, it had only one good song, which also happened to be great. "Harder Than You Think" is the sound of a group that was phenomenal 20 years ago throwing all their eggs into one basket. Jay Payton also stinks now, but he's making the best of his chances so far this season.

Scott Moore is willing to play "Whenever, Wherever." That is also a song by Shakira. Also, it's lucky that Moore's breasts are small and humble, so we don't confuse them with mountains.

I didn't want to leave Frederick Keys catcher Matt Wieters out of the party, so he gets "Get Ready" by The Temptations, which was quite excellently sampled by Fergie, too. Sorry, Fergie's great. It's the law.

Another future star, Adam Jones, is already starting in Baltimore's center field, but man, "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet." Ha! I love this shit. I feel like Tom Verducci or Roch or Jeff Passan. But it's true. Jones might hack away a little in the earlygoing, but so did another current Orioles outfielder before he found his groove. I'm not worried about Dr. Jones.

Blue Öyster Cult's most awesome song is, in fact, "Godzilla," about the movie monster that has a habit of destroying cities and scaring the piss out of everyone in Japan. Greg Aquino thus far has a habit of scaring the piss out of me when he trots in from the bullpen.

This one isn't a real song, at least not in the traditional sense. But comedian Jon Lajoie struck gold with "Everyday Normal Guy," a hit on Funny or Die. Steve Trachsel is just a regular, everday, normal guy. If ya got a pet cat, put your hands up. (I'm not saying the things in this song are true of Steve Trachsel -- not all of them, anyway. He surely has more than $600 in the bank, for instance.)

Kevin Millar has always been really big on "Faith," plus he wore very George Michael-ish jeans when he threw out that controversial first pitch. Sometimes I hear the Limp Bizkit cover of "Faith" and hate it, and sometimes I see Red Sox Millar and hate him. But then I hear George sing the song, and it rules. And I watch Kevin be Kevin as an Oriole, and I forget all that B.S. and remember that I love the guy. Faith-a-faith-a-faith-ah! Baaaaaaa-beh!

New closer George Sherrill gets Semisonic's "Closing Time," which I admit is hardly creative. I don't believe in "guilty pleasures," because you either like something or you don't and you should own the fact either way, but this song would be a "guilty pleasure" for me if I did believe in the concept. I especially enjoy the "ba-chicka-chick-BOW BOW" guitar that is just so absolutely 1990s. We miss you, Everclear, but never come back.

Every time I think of Randor Bierd, I think of that story of him going out and buying a new suit to get on the plane before he even got official word that he'd made the team out of spring training. And every time I listen to Dean Martin, I want to put on a suit, myself, and have a Dewar's on the rocks or fifteen. So Randor gets "Ain't That a Kick in the Head," arguably the swinginest of all Dino's truly swingin' numbers.

Matt Albers and Brian Burres get to share a song, the Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard version of Townes Van Zandt's "Pancho & Lefty," one of my absolute favorite songs. Long story short, Lefty caps Pancho. He only did what he had to do.

I know Brandon Fahey really has no business in the Major Leagues, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't get kind of a happy feeling every time I see him in the field or on the bench, in his uniform that still looks too big for him and his NASCAR sunglasses. At the plate is a different story. I try not to focus on him batting. Brandon always looks so hopeful and happy in the field. "Here Comes the Sun" is for him.

Nick Markakis gets Dire Straits' "Walk of Life." Something about the song just makes me happy. I don't know what it is. It can turn a frown upside down. Make grey skies blue-ah. And oh yeah, the boy can play.

As hard as I tried, I couldn't think of anything too appropriate for Jeremy Guthrie, the staff ace. "Ace of Spades"? Too aggressive, doesn't fit his nature. Nelly's "Number One"? Too braggadocios. So he dedicates a song to Markakis.

Queen's "You're My Best Friend."

Guillermo Quiroz gets Wu-Tang Clan's "Wolves." That's just a good song. You think of a song for Guillermo Quiroz, genius.

Cracker's "Low" represents Adam Loewen, partly because that's part of his last name, and partly because that's where he should try to keep the damn ball, for the love of God. Cracker was a really good band lost in the shuffle thanks to bands like Seven Mary Three and Toadies. That has nothing to do with Adam Loewen.

I hate The Vines, but the manic and sloppy energy of "Outtathaway!" fits Dennis Sarfate's pitching style. He seems like a guy who would be uncomfortable to bat against with that mid-90s heat that comes in like a rocket, and the Vines are rather uncomfortable to listen to.

The skipper, Dave Trembley, gets his own tune, too. He's a native New Yorker. He's also an outsider in the managerial ranks, as he's the only manager in the bigs that never played pro ball. "Outsider" was a good Ramones song, but doesn't fit Diamond Dave's personality. Joey Ramone's cover of "What a Wonderful World" does, though -- Dave is genuinely optimistic all the time, always looking for the best thing to say. And he seems like he actually means it. He doesn't sugarcoat garbage like Perlozzo, Mazzilli and even Leo Mazzone used to. No stuff about "puttin' it all together" in a bullpen session. Just pure hope. He's just happy to be here, and doing his best.

Happy 27th birthday, Brian Burres.

Our fifth starter gave us a six strong innings today, pulled in the seventh after allowing a leadoff walk, throwing just 81 pitches and allowing one earned (an inherited runner that Matt Albers allowed to score) with three strikeouts and two walks.

Burres was really sharp today, including one ridiculous 74mph curveball that got a clutch bases loaded strikeout. He worked out of a couple of jams, pitched efficiently, and really, really looked good. I'd even say that this was the best an O's starter has looked this season.

This wasn't a come-from-behind win; this was just an ass-kicking. The Birds were up 4-0 after three innings. Scott Moore homered in his first at-bat of the day, a lazy fly ball that carried over the right field wall at The Ballpark, and Brian Roberts drove in Adam Jones in the same inning. In the fourth, Aubrey Huff scored on a two-run homer from Luuuuuuuke Scott, Scott's first jack as an Oriole.

Huff had a killer day, going 4-for-4 with 4 RBI, including a two-run double in the sixth that was originally called a three-run homer. Yellow lines can cram it. (It was a good call.)

Texas' lone run came in the bottom of the seventh, when Ian Kinsler singled off of Albers, bringing David Murphy home. Albers pitched two innings in relief of Burres, striking out four and walking no one, allowing two hits and no earned runs. He gave the ball to Greg Aquino, and even Aquino proved to be worthwhile today, striking out two of the three batters he faced.

Scott was 2-for-4 with a walk, Markakis 1-for-4 with a walk and two runs scored, Luis Luis was 1-for-2 with a walk.

Everything is breaking our way right now. Which is nice because there have been plenty of times in recent years, even with a bad team, where things have just broken way against us.

This team rules. 6-1, y'all!

The O's went to 2-1 tonight with a 7-4 victory over the Mariners, which was good news and all, but still, erm, some issues.

Yeah, Millar and Razor and Mora all went yard and Luis Hernandez even had two RBI (both sac flies), but...

Bullet points!

• Dave Trembley's bullpen management is positively Perlozzoian.
• Nick Markakis does not look great against left handed pitching.
• Greg Aquino is AWFUL.

Sarfate, Walker and Bradford did their jobs, but why were the latter two even pitching? It was a five-run game before Aquino crapped the bed and gave up a two-run homer to Richie Sexson in the ninth inning, which led to Sherrill coming in following a Mike Morse double after the Sexson home run. Adrian Beltre also homered for the Mariners earlier in the game.

A fine win in many ways, and it's good to see this team playing so hard. The fielding was excellent, as Luis Hernandez made some really nice plays and Mora had a couple highlights, too. But Trembley is worrying me. Walker and Bradford don't need to be throwing 80 games apiece again.

How about a play of the game? OK.

Play of the Game: Raul Ibanez, with a 3-0 count, swings away and grounds into a 4-6-3 double play. What a boner.

Aquino will be the first guy in the 'pen to lose his job. And there was no reason to use Walker when Randor Bierd and Matt Albers are out there. It's a five-run game. That's why you have those guys.

But, we won. Let's take it where we can get it.

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Roch Kubatko took out his trusty quill (or whatever he writes with) and gets some news out of the way so he can return to his normal litany of unfunny jokes.

Of note...

• Jay Gibbons, according to WNST's text alerts, has had his 15-day suspension placed on hold for 10 days. So he's eligible to go north for OD. Which means the O's have to make a decision sooner rather than later on whether he stays or goes.
• Brian Burres takes the 5th spot in the rotation. I can't help reading that and thinking of Dave Chappelle as Tron in front of Congress - "I take the Fif !"
• Daniel Cabrera takes the 2nd spot, a bit of a surprise, but who cares after the first trip through anyway.
• Matt Albers will get a chance to go north and start the year in the bullpen.
• The rest of the bullpen is George Sherrill, Jamie Walker, Chad Bradford, Greg Aquino, Dennis Sarfate and Randor Bierd.
• The O's don't set their roster until Sunday at 3 p.m.
• Rocky Cherry has been placed on the DL retro to March 22
• Diamond Dave Trembley has decided the O's Opening Day lineup should be guarded with the level of secrecy normally reserved for nuclear launch codes or Dick Cheney's vacation plans, and won't announce it until it's posted on OD.

If you want to read the rest of Roch's work, feel free to drive some traffic his way.

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