Once a year or so, it's good to update these. Players come and players go, much like the asinine nicknames that generally spring out of the game threads. So here's a quick primer for anyone who's new and might not know what in God's name we're talking about during certain points of a game.
Albers, Matt
- Fat Albers
This is not in any way intended to be mean. Honest. I know the dude's a little pudgy, maybe still carrying some baby fat, or maybe he's just like most of the rest of us and likes to reward himself for a fine day's work of breathing air and being a cool dude by wolfing down a Baconator or six. I'm not here to judge Matt Albers. It's just something that happened in my head and then I put it on a blog. Hey, hey, hey!
Aquino, Greg
- Godzilla
- Aquino's Journey
I know Hideki Matsui already has the first one, but I'll be really honest. I don't give a rat's ass about Matsui or his nickname, so I give it to Greg Aquino based on that Orioles mixtape thing I did the last time I was this bored and had nothing but baseball on my mind. Ohhhh, no! There goes Baltimo'! Go, go Godzilla!
As for the second one, if anyone gets that, then I'll be impressed. Also, you're a dork.
Bierd, Randor
- RAN-DOOOOOOR!
You gotta do it right though. Listen for yourself, if you're unfamiliar. It starts loud, so be prepared. That site is long faded as far as being funny goes, but whatever. RAN-DOOOOOR!
Bradford, Chad
- ChadBrad
- Chadwick
- Chadstache
Sometimes I call him Chadwick, 'cause that's his birth name, and it's a cool ass name. "Chadstache" is obvious. The dude rocks a killer 'stache. I don't like "ChadBrad" so much because I don't like those first-last name combinations very much, but we'll talk more about that later.
Cabrera, Daniel
- Danny Cabs (or Cabs)
- Danny C
- Danny Boy
- Wild Thing
- Nuke Laloosh
Cabrera has picked up two movie character nicknames over his time as an Oriole. The others are pretty pedestrian. It seems like there's real potential to give him a seriously great nickname, but nothing ever really happens. Story of his career, really.
Guthrie, Jeremy
- St. Guts
- Guts
The one with "Saint" is up to you. I'm not quick to put that weight on anyone. Just like I'm hesitant to call him "Ace." Because, like, really?
But Guts is a cool dude. And he's got some nads. He goes out there to try to help an overmatched team, and he does his damnedest. He did it last year, and he's doing it this year.
Hernandez, Luis
- Luis Luis
- Little Luis
- Lucky Luis
A high school band from my area was banned a few years ago from playing "Louie Louie" -- this is, like, 97 years after that song first created a stir. And we're talking about a fairly liberal town and a ghetto as all hell high school. "Lucky Louie" was almost a good show, but it unfortunately featured Jim Norton and the beast that is Laura Kightlinger.
Hernandez, Ramon
- Razor Ramon (or Razor)
We've been over it a hundred times. I used to be a big pro wrestling fan, and Razor Ramon was this white dude named Scott Hall acting Cuban and stealing lots of Scarface material. All in all, he was pretty cool. Turned out that I'd later learn that I hate Scarface. Go figure.
Huff, Aubrey
- Audrey
- HR Huffnstuf
- The Rooster
"Audrey" is supposed to be insulting because that is predominantly a girl's name, and Aubrey is one of those half-and-halfs like "Leslie." I'm not trying to dis women, because I saw Anita Marks throw a ball in a commercial and a gentleman in an empty stadium nearly had an orgasm over it. Anita is probably a better third baseman than Huff anyway. Or would that be third basewoman? Third baseperson?
"HR Huffnstuf" gets broken out a few times a year when he goes yard.
"The Rooster" is new, nailed in last night's game thread by punkrawka and duck, and sealed with my lofty approval. From the classic AIC tune:
Ain't found a way to kill me yetEyes burn with stingin' sweatSeems every path leads me to nowhereWife and kids, household petArmy green was no safe betThe bullets scream to me from somewhereYeah, they come to snuff The RoosterYeah, here come The RoosterYou know he ain't gonna dieWalkin' tall, machine gun manThey spit on me in my homeland
And it goes on with things that don't really fit the scenario. But change "Army green" to "Oriole orange" and you've got Huff's current standing in his team's home city. And I guess since no one's trying to KILL the guy, you could sub in, "Ain't found a way to trade me yet."
Jones, Adam
- Dr. Jones
This one is starting to stick a little whenever he does something good. "No time for love, Dr. Jones! We have to hit a double!" And so on. But he'll get something better. "AJ" is used, too, but that's just initials, yo.
Markakis, Nick
- Markickass
- Kakes
- Honeybear
"Kakes" is obvious, and "Honeybear" is from that awesome MASN commercial. The legend of "Nick Markickass" was born that fateful day in 2006 when he hit three home runs off of Carlos Silva. The season was dead, the team was hopeless, and the only thing we had was this right fielder starting to find his swing. Then, bam! Bam! Bam! And he was born.
Millar, Kevin
- Kevbo
Again, it's from The Wonder Years.
Mora, Melvin
- MelMo
- Melly Mel
- Melvin Moron
- Playoff Hero Melvin Mora
Hey. Melvin Mora has been to the playoffs one time. He knows what it takes to get there. And what it takes to get there is bunting, pouting, giving up on booted ground balls and standing around long enough to let someone take a base, complaining, nearly getting in fistfights with Jay Payton (though who could blame him?), and bunting some more. This is also where Melvin Moron comes from.
But I don't hate Melvin or nothin'. He gave us great years. When he comes through, I still shout "MELLY MEL!" the same as I ever did.
Payton, Jay
- Ugh, Jay Payton
- JayPay
- No Flat Breezy - only member of the O's who will NOT flip his bill when Shutdown gets a save. Brian Roberts tried once and almost got punched.
Pretty easy to get this one.
Quiroz, Guillermo
- Quiznos
This is still a Roch joke-in-waiting, but it seems to be getting some legs.
Roberts, Brian
- B-Rob
- Brian Bob
OK, here's where I'll get into the letter-dash-syllable thing. This all started with "A-Rod," and seriously, do you want your players to remind you of that ninny? I know he's one of the most talented and awesomest players to ever pick up a glove and bat, but come on.
Did Babe Ruth ever slap at someone's glove while they tried to tag him? Did Mickey Mantle? Did Hank Aaron? Did Cal Ripken? Did Dane Iorg? Did Kiko Garcia? Seriously. He's a player to admire, but a total weiner.
That's why I prefer "Brian Bob."
Sarfate, Dennis
- Dennis the Menace
Jeez. Talk about your all-time shit-starters.
Scott, Luke
- Luuuuuuuuuuuke
This is the best compliment a crowd can give a player. Saying his name in such a manner, frequently, that it sounds to untrained ears as if he is being booed. If he keeps this hitting up, Luke "Two Bags" Scott might be appropriate.
Sherrill, George
- Shutdown
- Flatbrim
That brim is ridiculous, but I love his reasoning, which is that he never bends a cap right, so screw it, he won't bend it at all. Shutdown is what he's been -- he's yet to blow a save. I'd knock on wood, but whatever, everyone blows saves eventually. Keep it rollin', George.
Trachsel, Steve
- Trax
- Old Turtle
I like "Trax" because it reminds me of Tron. "Old Turtle" is because he's old and takes 11 hours to pitch four innings. Pretty easy figurin' there, right? I've flirted with calling him "T-Bone" on his good days.
Walker, Jamie
- Jamie Walker, Boy (or JW,B)
Because all you sons of bitches batters fit in skillets.
Desperately Seeking Nicknames: Jim Johnson, Scott Moore, Brandon Fahey (the departed Jeff Fiorentino took "Screech" too soon), and Adam Loewen. I can't come up with anything for Loewen.