In his post-game press conference last night, Orioles manager Buck Showalter made reference to Marco Scutaro, "or however he is pronouncing his name this year." It was pretty much the perfect feisty capstone to a swaggering Birdland night on Camden Chat. Having been thus blessed by our Birdlander-in-chief, who am I to change the tone?
The thing is that tonight is a little different. We're up against Oriolebane, Jon Lester, who has a career 12-0 record against the Birds with a 2.00 ERA in 15 starts. He also has an unblemished 1.00 douchebag rating by virtue of being on the Red Sox. In fact, for all intents and purposes, tonight Jon Lester is pretty much this guy. (NSFW by any stretch of the imagination.) Jagerbombs? Yeah, he showers in that stuff. And you bet his collar is popped. WHERE'S MY PROTEIN, MA?
I've got your protein right here, Jon Lester. It's coming from the steady diet of
dongs home runs that you'll be eating tonight. Get ready to face down the grim visage of Ty Wigginton with his 1.133 OPS against you. Matt Wieters swinging the Baltimore smokestack could take you yard to all three fields. Felix Pie will be waiting to launch adorable bombs so he can do his special handshake with Luke Scott. And you know who else you get to face tonight? Nolan Reimold. He's back in the big leagues and I might have told him that you slept with his baby mama. The Gazelle is angry. I made that last part up.
So good luck with all that, because your dorky 12 year old Jed Lowrie isn't going to be able to marshal any more offense for you tonight against the likes of Jake Arrieta and his bad(ass) stache. You will be blanked. And when I said blanked, I mean that you will be shut out, and I also mean a vulgar term for fornication that I'm not allowed to print on the front page. BLANKED.
Our fearless leader Stacey is going to be in the press box at Camden Yards tonight, so maybe I should stop before it really gets crazy. I would feel a little bad if she introduced herself, talked about the blog while trying to be all professional, and then had someone stop by to see... hmm. That feistiness dial from last night? Let's crank it up to 11. This is Birdland, baby. Deal with it.
09/01/10 7:05 PM EDT
|Boston Red Sox||Baltimore Orioles|
|Marco Scutaro - SS||Brian Roberts - 2B|
|J.D. Drew - RF||Julio Lugo - SS|
|Victor Martinez - C||Nick Markakis - RF|
|David Ortiz - DH||Ty Wigginton - 1B|
|Adrian Beltre - 3B||Adam Jones - CF|
|Jed Lowrie - 2B||Felix Pie - LF|
|Mike Lowell - 1B||Matt Wieters - C|
|Daniel Nava - LF||Nolan Reimold - DH|
|Ryan Kalish - CF||Josh Bell - 3B|