Tonight's game preview is brought to you by a version of Justin Duchscherer that exists in my imagination and probably not in reality. Here's Duke:
"In tonight's game, my Orioles will be looking to win their third straight game against the Minnesota Twins. I know, I haven't technically pitched for them yet, so maybe they aren't my Orioles, but I don't mind. If I was activated from the disabled list, then someone would have to be sent to the minor leagues or released. I don't know if I could handle that, man. Am I so important that another man's dream of pitching in the major leagues has to be destroyed so that I can play?
I feel pretty bad for Minnesota. They've played eighteen games and they've only hit six home runs. Scott Baker's going to take the mound for them knowing his offense gets one home run every three games. I think if I batted every spot in the lineup for eighteen games I'd manage to hit more than six home runs. I'd hate myself for doing it, though. The look on the other pitcher's face when you hit that home run, man. I remember it from little league. I just can't take causing that heartbreak. And then I'd think of all the fans of the other team whose hopes were crushed. Like if I hit a home run and some kid's mom was watching? That's just terrible. Baseball's a terrible game. I don't understand how so many people play it.
Like, I mean, look at the best hitter on Minnesota right now, Jason Kubel. He fails sixty-four percent of the time. More than half the time he fails to do what he's paid to do: get on base. Even the best ever baseball player at getting on base failed more than half of the time. How do you get up there, knowing that even the best person who ever played was more likely to fail than succeed? It's crazy, man. It's just crazy.
That's one reason why I like Matt Wieters so much. He's great. He'll be catching for Jeremy Guthrie tonight and he'll do great. He's got the best on-base percentage on the Orioles right now. He gets on base one-third of the time. That still means he's failing a lot, but you know that's just him allowing the other team to have a little confidence. Any time he makes an out he really could have been hitting a home run but he takes pity. Matt Wieters, man. Sliced bread's the greatest thing since him."