Editor's Note: When Eat More Esskay read that Cesar Izturis would be rejoining the Orioles in New York, he wandered into the woods and has not been heard from since. However, we received another strange, faded letter, this one postmarked on July 28, 1997, with instructions to be delivered on this date. Here it is:
Dear Camden Chat,
I am saddened to have to write to you of my failure. After we spoke last, I decided that as long as I was in 1996, I might as well try to change history by either breaking one of Jeffrey Maier's legs to keep him from ruining the 1996 ALCS, or by slipping Ex-Lax into Rich Garcia's pre-game drink. In tracking down Maier, I truly did my best. There was once where I almost got him. I really came so close. But... the future refused to change.
And as for Rich Garcia, let's just say that trying to do it like the iocane powder in The Princess Bride wasn't the greatest of ideas. It may be true that you should never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against an umpire when explosive bowel movements are on the line.
Man, guys, did you remember how weird 1997 was? I turn around once and Puff Daddy is on the radio, singing I'll Be Missing You. Or maybe Meredith Brooks doing that song Bitch. Plus I keep hearing Hanson, and the Backstreet Boys, and Third Eye Blind. I don't mind that last one so much.
But hey, how about the Orioles? They're in the middle of that wire-to-wire run, and I'm tempted to go after Armando Benitez like I tried for Maier but I know it won't do any good. Last night they beat the Twins, 9-0, to go up by 5.5 games over New York. Scott Erickson pitched a complete game shutout. Freaking Scott Erickson! 1997 was a magic year. Although I kind of hope I can get back to the present soon because I'd rather not have to re-experience all the losing seasons. I think once was enough.
For now I have a date with the Wye Oak. I always wanted to see that thing before it was wiped out.
Sincerely,
Eat More Esskay
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