NOTE: This is satire. This is not real. I'm not sure how anyone could think that it's real, but if you do, think again. It's a joke. A big one. Don't worry, the Orioles are probably going to lavish praise on Derek Jeter and present him with gifts at this game just like every team has done so far. THIS IS A JOKE.
On the heels of the recent announcement that their September 14th game -- Derek Jeter's final game at Camden Yards -- would be broadcast nationally on ESPN, the Orioles announced a promotion believed to be the first of its kind. The giveaway will be available only to fans not attending the contest -- a Derek Jeter vomit bag.
The barf bag will be available exclusively for pickup at the Camden Yards box office between now and the 14th, solely to fans who demonstrate that they do not have tickets to attend the game in person, and sign a statement pledging, against their better judgement, to watch the ESPN broadcast of the Derek Jeter Farewell Tour That May Or May Not Include A Baseball Game.
Although pictures were not available at press time, the vomit bag will be all-orange, with Jeter's face emblazoned on one side, and the ESPN logo and #RE2PECT hashtag on the other.
"We're excited to partner with ESPN to feature a strong first-place Orioles club on Sunday Night Baseball so close to the end of the season," stated club spokesman Max Power. "And when ESPN uses the opportunity to completely ignore the actual sporting event taking place, and to feature highlights of a 40-year-old shortstop falling down over routine grounders and reaching base on dribblers down the line -- we appreciate their support in offering Orioles fans a way to continue enjoying the broadcast without running for the nearest toilet."
ESPN PR chief Santos L. Halper added, "As we cling to our desperate but fading hopes of the Yankees making the playoffs, we wanted a chance to appease the fans of the dominant first-place club that we plan to completely ignore and/or disparage for the four hours that this Sunday night contest will inevitably last."
"And if a major event involving Jeter occurs, like a routine single during a game with a wide run margin," Halper went on, "We definitely plan to focus on that minor event above anything actually pivotal to the outcome of the contest in question. We hope these ESPN/#RE2PECT vomit bags make that easier to ignore for all of the fans of whichever team this is that Jeter is playing."
Information was not available at press time on the dimensions or material of the vomit bags, but Power pledged that they would hold at least the standard amount of vomit typically generated by a human subjected to an aging player's tacky farewell tour, and the broadcasters who swallow it hook, line and sinker for the sake of ratings. Halper additionally pledged ESPN's support of a similar giveaway during the ALDS, at which time the network plans to play Jeter montages and rebroadcast the Maier-assisted home run at least once per game even if the Orioles square off against the Royals.
Jeter declined comment for this article.
REMINDER: THIS IS A JOKE.