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The Washington Nationals are not my favorite baseball team - here's why

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Never has a baseball franchise been more of a joke than the Washington Nationals. Let me count the ways.

Greg Fiume/Getty Images

(Note from the editor, who in this instance is also the author:

This post was written in a satirical spirit and intended, if I might borrow from a regular reader below, as "reasonably good natured sniping at a geographic rival fan base."  Based on feedback I have received from some among the target audience of Orioles fans, including friends of mine, I recognize that even to some in the home crowd it has come across as inflammatory rather than humorous, and while I won't pretend to be above trolling the O's neighbors, there's nothing worse than an unfunny troll.

In hopes of dialing that back a bit, I have made slight alterations to the headline and summary fields, as well as the final paragraph. I will try to do better in the future. - MB)

The Washington Nationals are an invasive, parasitic species. They are the emerald ash borer of baseball teams. Just like that pesky insect, they have come to this area from a foreign land due to a careless mistake, unwanted by anyone, and if left unchecked, they will eventually destroy everything that is green and beautiful in the Baltimore region.

The Washington Nationals are a stain on the baseball landscape. They are quite literally a stain, what with their absurd habit of unleashing a post-game chocolate syrup shower on anyone who happens to be getting interviewed on the field. It should be a crime to so frivolously waste Hershey's syrup. Even at this late date they persist in the chocolate dump, as if needing to use one bottle for every game out of first place in the division that they find themselves.

The Washington Nationals are the team of choice of bandwagoning transplants. There is no such thing as an adult who is a life-long Nationals fan because they have existed only for a decade.

The four greatest Washington Nationals franchise players, as voted on by fans prior to the All-Star Game, are all Montreal Expos who were long gone by the time the team relocated.

The Washington Nationals have never won a playoff series in the entire time that they exist.

The Washington Nationals are currently lurching towards failure in one of the most disappointing baseball campaigns of all time, given that they have wasted an all-time great season from Bryce Harper, the likely NL MVP winner. If you bet the over on their preseason win total, your ticket was a loser on September 12. They were picked as the preseason World Series favorite by nearly every so-called expert, and currently find themselves 6.5 games back in their division with just 13 games to play.

The Washington Nationals have the sixth-highest payroll in all of MLB ($162,014,559 on Opening Day, per Cot's Contracts) and this past offseason signed Max Scherzer to a seven year, $210 million contract even as they strolled into court filings in the MASN case with their pockets turned inside out, crying poverty.

The Washington Nationals previously employed a general manager who was the subject of a federal investigation - that appears to have terminated after his resignation - over the skimming of the signing bonuses that were given during his tenure to Latin American amateur prospects.

The Washington Nationals actually discouraged their fans from standing up and cheering during a postseason game. They lost the game, and the series. That people who go to Nationals games are objectively terrible fans has been well documented over the years, including earlier this month.

The Washington Nationals went out of their way to acquire and employ Jonathan Papelbon.

The Washington Nationals created a bobblehead of what may have been the greatest moment in Nationals history and screwed up the design so bad that they couldn't even give away the bobbleheads, and don't seem to have realized it was terrible until everyone told them it was terrible.

By the way, this moment occurred in a postseason series that the Nationals ultimately lost, in the decisive fifth game, in their home stadium, when their closer Drew Storen gave up four runs in the ninth inning when the Nationals were leading 7-5 heading into that inning. By the way, Storen was displaced by the Papelbon trade and has completely stunk since being dropped to the eighth inning.

Washington Nationals manager Matt Williams was booed out of his own press conference just two weeks ago. In a series against the Mets from July 31-August 2, Williams never used Papelbon or Storen as the Mets swept the Nationals, including two games the Nationals lost due to bullpen meltdowns. After being swept in this series, the Nationals fell into a tie with the Mets, fell out of the tie the next day and have not led the division since.

The Washington Nationals are not my favorite baseball team. If you don't know, now you know. I am an Orioles fan.

(Note from the editor, who in this instance is also the author:

This post was written in a satirical spirit and intended, if I might borrow from a regular reader below, as "reasonably good natured sniping at a geographic rival fan base."  Based on feedback I have received from some among the target audience of Orioles fans, including friends of mine, I recognize that even to some in the home crowd it has come across as inflammatory rather than humorous, and while I won't pretend to be above trolling the O's neighbors, there's nothing worse than an unfunny troll.

In hopes of dialing that back a bit, I have made slight alterations to the headline and summary fields, as well as the final paragraph. I will try to do better in the future. - MB)