Just when you think baseball couldn't possibly get more absurd with gimmick uniforms, they come out and show that you ain't seen nothing yet.
Four different special uniforms for the 2016 season were unveiled on Wednesday afternoon. The Orioles will be saddled with these uniforms on Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day, and Independence Day. They range from, "Well, that's nice" to "What feather-brain green-lit this monstrosity?"
Though they look ridiculous, I am aware that most and perhaps all of the special uniforms and hats will be auctioned off to benefit some kind of cause that is at least nominally charitable.
For instance, last year's Fourth of July jerseys/caps were auctioned off with the proceeds benefiting the Orioles Charitable Foundation, while last year's Memorial Day uniforms and caps were auctioned, with proceeds going to support the Fort Meade Alliance.
It's safe to guess that the Mother's Day and Father's Day uniforms and caps, which are pink and blue, respectively, for the colors of breast cancer awareness and prostate cancer awareness, will be autographed and auctioned with proceeds going to some kind of charitable cause as well. And that's all well and good.
But come on, look at this stuff:
What do you think it's like to be the person whose job it is to design that star-patterned cartoon bird cap? Do you think that he or she looks upon that finished product and feels a sense of satisfaction and thinks, "Nailed it!" Or do you think they are aware of what kind of abomination they have unleashed on the world, and that it leaves them feeling a little dead inside to know that they played a part in creating it?
Actually, the star pattern is the same for all 29 American teams. The only things different between them are the team logo that sits over the stars and whether the cap's primary color is red or blue. Toronto gets maple leafs instead, obviously.
Also, the Orioles will be wearing light blue uniforms when playing the Blue Jays. That's just wrong! Not that anyone should have a hard time telling apart who's who, since one team will be in home whites and the other will be in road greys, but still. It's the principle of the thing.
How many weird uniforms does one baseball season need? Are we far off from the first day of summer and the first day of fall being deemed worthy of specially-designed uniforms? Think of the falling leaf patterns they could use and the many colors! I'd better not give them any ideas.
If there's any consolation, it's that each one of these peculiar things will be worn for only one game and then things will go back to normal. Though of course, if the O's do something really great on any one of these games, they'll have to keep wearing the uniforms until their luck runs out.
Like what if someone throws a no-hitter on Memorial Day? Camo for the rest of the week! That's just science.
We could have it worse than the above. The Orioles could be stuck with uniforms like these new Diamondbacks threads:
The Diamondback's uniforms make them look like futuristic maintenance men working on a trash truck in space. pic.twitter.com/hZ3eompYvy— Rob Lowe (@RobLowe) April 12, 2016
They wore these jerseys on their home opener. You never knew the Orioles had it so good. I'd take every day in that Memorial Day camouflage over that thing.