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Fantasy baseball names for all 30 major league teams

What if the real MLB teams were fantasy teams? They couldn't have boring names like the Cardinals or Rangers. Here are some much better suggestions.

Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

Your fantasy baseball team name can and will determine how well your team performs throughout the season.  A weak name means you aren't take you seriously.  A strong name shows power.  It shows attitude.  It shows determination.

Nobody cares about the $100 third place matchup between "Team Kevin" and "Team Steve" when there's a 5th place game strictly for pride and bragging rights between "Where is A-A-Rod?" and "Steroids Made Me Bigbie." That's the matchup everyone will be talking about around the coffee maker Monday morning.

Thus, in the spirit of baseball season and fantasy baseball season, here are possible team names for each of the 30 MLB clubs, created to help spark the creative genius in us all.  Enjoy!

Baltimore Orioles: Bird Wars: The Yard Awakens
If the Orioles are the Resistance, Manny would be Rey (I know she's a female, but go with it), Jonesy would be Finn, and Crush Davis would be Poe Dameron providing the firepower which destroys the First Order's Starkiller Base.  Or maybe Pedro Alverez or Mark Trumbo could be the hero, who knows?

Boston Red Sox: M is for Mookie, It's Good Enough for Me
If the Red Sox were on Sesame Street, O's fans would want their letter of the day to be L, for "Last" place in the AL East, or "Losing" to the O's, and hopefully not "Lighting" it up or "Legit" Contender.

New York Yankees: Where in Aroldis Carmen SanDiego?
Cuba?  Cincinnati?  Los Angeles?  New York?  I think it's safe to assume Aroldis Chapman will at least be at home for the first month of the season.  Maybe when he comes back this will be his entrance song:

Tampa Bay Rays: Fabreeze Odorizzi Control
Jake Odorizzi might not be great, but he helps cover some of the stink of an MLB franchise in Tampa Bay.

Toronto Blue Jays: Donaldson Trump's Hair
Donald Trump wants to make America great again.  Josh Donaldson made Toronto great again last season. Coincidence...I think not.

Chicago White Sox: Bring Your Kid to Work Day
Now children of White Sox players can get a firsthand experience of what it's like to be in a major league clubhouse... Adam LaRoche is going to be so upset he retired.

Minnesota Twins: Rodinson Carewso
Hall of Famer Rod Carew meets 17th Century Legend Robinson Crusoe.

Kansas City Royals: The 3 Leftimigos
Does anyone else suspect that Mike Moustakas, Eric Hosmer, and Alex Gordon are triplets?

Detroit Tigers: The Real Uptons of Detroit
Pilot Episode plot synopsis: When new teammate Justin Upton moves into the clubhouse, Justin Verlander must make a tough decision; stay faithful to a jealous Kate, or help his team compete in the AL Central.

Cleveland Indians: 10 Cent Beer Night
The famous game when Indians management thought it was a good idea to sell unlimited 10 cent beers to 25 thousand angry fans.  Sounds glorious I know, but these heavily intoxicated fans turns a regular baseball game into chaos.  Here is the Wikipedia page for the event:

Seattle Mariners: Edgar's Designated Winners
The greatest DH of all time might blast your team to a league championship.

Oakland Athletics: Sonny Gray's Anatomy
Painting the black is hard, just like brain surgery.  It requires precision, pin-point accuracy, and set of big kahunas to perform under pressure.  Derek Sheppard would be proud.

Los Angeles Angels: Basket Weavers and Matt ShoeMakers
Jared Weaver and Matt Shoemaker hope to lead a team with the best fish on the planet (Mike Trout) and the former greatest player (Albert Pujols) to an AL West crown.

Houston Astros: The George Springer Show
Ridiculous catches, monster home runs, and crazy onstage antics...what will happen on the next episode of the George Springer Show!

Texas Rangers:  Yu So Darvish
A compliment everyone wants to hear.

Philadelphia Phillies: Mike's Mustache Rides
Mike Schmidt: The Man, the Myth, the Mustache.  His 548 home runs helped put this man's man in the Hall of Fame in ‘95.  Did you also know his middle name was "Jack"?

Washington Nationals: Dollar Beard Club
Bryce Harper wants the new generation of player bring swag to the game.  Is there anything more swag than chocolate syrup covering Jayson Werth's beard?  Also, the Dollar Beard Club, similar to the Dollar Shave Club, will deliver beard grooming products straight to your door cheaper than the competition.  Take a look:

New York Mets: Get Down on DeGrom
Another year better, Jake DeGrom and Company will be sending a lot of hitters back to the bench scratching their heads.

Atlanta Braves: 14 Divisions, 1 Cup
Not a lot to say about this one.  Braves fans look at 14 Division titles as a huge accomplishment, but you just can't help but feel disgusted they only got one ring out of it.

Miami Marlins: Mike, but my Friends call me Giancarlo
Mike Stanton was amazing. Then he went away... but Miami replaced him with the even more powerful Giancarlo.

Pittsburgh Pirates: CharCole Grills
Opening Day you can use a Gerrit Cole fastball to light up your Weber One Touch to grill your favorite brats.

Milwaukee Brewers: Mr. 3000
Bad team, bad movie.  Shout out to the late Bernie Mac.

Chicago Cubs: No More AAArrieta
This one hurts for O's fans.  In Baltimore, Jake Arrieta was notorious for lighting it up in the minors, only to stink it up in the majors.  I think it's safe to assume he's not going to be sent down again.

St. Louis Cardinals: Carry on My Heyward Son
He might be an overrated fantasy player, but that doesn't mean the Cardinals aren't going to miss Jason Heyward.

Cincinnati Reds: Bruceo, Bruceo, Bru-Ce-OOO
He happens to be everyone's favorite character from the movie Hook, starring Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman, Julia Roberts, and of course, Dante Basco as Rufio.

San Francisco Giants - Even Year Octobers
World Series Champs in 2010, 2012, 2014.  Recent history tells us to put all our money on the Giants this year, 2018, 2020, and every even year for the rest of time.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Jedi Counsell
Rumor has it Craig Counsell will be in Star Wars Episode VIII.

San Diego Padres: Straight Cashner Homie
Randy Moss once said, "Ask not what your fantasy team can do for you- ask what you can do for your fantasy team." Start by giving your fantasy team a solid name.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Puig or Pederson?  I'll Take Ethier
That's a joke.  No one will take Andre Ethier.

There you have it.  30 names for 30 teams.  This doesn't even include the alternate names of "The Ellsbury Dough Boy," "Boggs Booze Airlines," or "Macho Man Manny Savage."

Coming up with a good name requires effort.  I like to start by thinking of current events (The upcoming presidential primaries for example), popular movies (Star Wars or a superhero flick), popular TV shows, new products, or beer. Beer helps.  I am definitely not the most creative or witty person who can pop off names left and right, but it was fun coming up with the names.  Hopefully you enjoyed this nonsense, and this article gets you thinking about a name that could spark some excitement in your upcoming fantasy season.

I have to give a shout out to my brother Lenny Draheim with helping me come up with some of these names.  We drank a many of Natty Boh while brainstorming this list.  As gung-ho Oriole baseball fans, we are both extremely excited for the beginning of O's baseball. Also shout out to some my buddies Scuba Steve and Norm for providing some late inputs.  Much appreciated!

Go O'S!

You can follow Hunter Draheim on Twitter @phdraheim.

The stories presented as part of the 2016 Camden Chat Opening Day Marathon are written by members of our community. To add your voice to the site please consider writing a FanPost.