The memo went out among the pharmacy employees. Every regional manager was to get every store manager to poll its employees to find out who had ever played some baseball games in their lives.
The resulting franchise, attached as it is to a place full of transients with no discernible identity of its own, has now existed for over a decade without ever winning a playoff series. How can a team be that pathetic, one might wonder, especially when, for the last four years or so, it has played in a complete joke of a division, particularly this season, where there's not even a single other truly competitive team. Congratulations. You're 73-50 because you get to play the Braves, Phillies, and even-more-underachieving Mets. Great job.
Of course they built a mall instead of a stadium. Of course they leave in the seventh inning! What do they care? Why would anyone care about this lot of underachieving dopes, who happen to be owned by extremely wealthy people who cry poor and act like they have no money while they continually sign players to gigantic contract extensions?
And yet, they have called up an emergency starter from the minor leagues, whose fastball averages 90.5 miles per hour, so they will nonetheless beat the Orioles tonight because that's about the way that things are going right now. Which won't be any fun to experience, but hey, at least we don't have to listen to any of their terrible announcers on MASN any more.
|WALGREENS CORPORATE TEAM||BALTIMORE ORIOLES|
|Trea Turner - CF||Adam Jones - CF|
|Jayson Werth - DH||Hyun Soo Kim - LF|
|Daniel Murphy - 2B||Manny Machado - 3B|
|Bryce Harper - RF||Chris Davis - 1B|
|Wilson Ramos - C||Mark Trumbo - RF|
|Anthony Rendon - 3B||Pedro Alvarez - DH|
|Ryan Zimmerman - 1B||Matt Wieters - C|
|Danny Espinosa - SS||Jonathan Schoop - 2B|
|Ben Revere - LF||J.J. Hardy - SS|
|A.J. Cole - RHP||Dylan Bundy - RHP|